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| Why does this provocatively posed BABE have BLOOD on her LIPS? |
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| I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE... |
Dir. Lucky McKee and Chris Sivertson
Starring: Caitlin Stasey, Sianoa Smit-McPhee, Brooke Butler, Amanda Grace Cooper, Reanin Johannink, Tom Williamson
Review By Greg Klymkiw
Okay kiddies, it's time once again to do the math. Get out your pencils and write down the following equation for success.
BABES + HUNKS + GRATUITOUS CHEERLEADING + LESBO ACTION + BUCKETS OF BLOOD =ALL CHEERLEADERS DIE by one of my all-time favourite sicko filmmakers Lucky McKee (May, The Woman) and his talented cult co-director Chris Sivertson (The Lost, I Know Who Killed Me).
Does it get better than this?
Not especially.
You've, of course heard the expression, "everything but the kitchen sink", mais non? Well, All Cheerleaders Die might best be described as everything including a shitload of kitchen sinks, congealed with months worth of scum and piled high with un-scrubbed mould-encrusted pots, pans and every imaginable kitchen receptacle and utensil. This foul, hilarious, revoltingly gross and sniggeringly juvenile mélange of Heathers, Bring It On and pretty much every teen horror film ever made and hereto-for known to man (and beast, especially beast) is one of the most offensively entertaining movies of the year. One might even accuse it of being utterly moronic, but its more mentally deficient moments are so clearly intentional that the film works as both satire and pure visceral horror.
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| Teenage girls are ALWAYS interested in physical fitness! |
Maddy (Caitlin Stasey) is a babe who inexplicably hangs with the geek squad at school, but in spite of this, she's, like, uh, well, a babe. Our gal is hell-bent on revenge when she discovers that Terry Stankus (Tom Williamson), the hunky, mean-spirited, misogynist-asshole-dreamboat captain of the high school football team has immediately begun dating Tracy (Brooke Butler), an equally nasty babe who runs the cheerleading squad after Terry's girlfriend and Maddy's babe gal-pal bites the bullet during a freak cheerleading accident.
Are you with me, so far? I hope so. It's not rocket science. After all, who wouldn't be appalled when one's friend, like, dies and her scumbag boyfriend takes up with another ho'? Maddy's plans for revenge, however, will mightily piss off Leena (Sianoa Smit-McPhee), her kinda creepy babe roommate and ex-lesbo-lover who, as it turns out is a Wiccan priestess trying her hand at all manner of occult shenanigans.
For her part, Maddy exacts revenge with the aplomb of a some wily duplicitous Shakespearean minx, getting Terry Stankus (is that not one of the best character names in movie history?) and Tracy to begin questioning their devotion to each other. Adding insult to injury for macho Terry Stankus (I think I need to use this guy's full name all the time), Maddy seduces Tracy quite openly and the movie delivers some first-rate Lesbo-action for our edification.
Things really come to a head when Terry Stankus gets so jealous that he causes a fatal "accident" and it's Wiccan Leena who comes to the rescue by using her occult powers. Soon, we've got babes rising from the dead, becoming supremely horny (well, far more than usual), developing an unquenchable thirst for blood, a hankering for human flesh and a telepathic connection resulting in delightfully embarrassing results at school when even one of the cheerleaders achieves an explosive orgasm.
Needles to say, Terry Stankus needs to watch his really cute ass.
So, let's summarize, kiddies. Here's a handy checklist of delightful exploitative aberrations for you to enjoy: Witchcraft, Rising from the Dead, Vampirism, Necrophilia, Reverse-Necrophilia (don't ask), Cannibalism and Zombies. Add more Lesbo-action, straight boinking, Lesbo-rug-cleaning, flesh-ripping, blood-splashing, viscous-lapping, blood-drinking, flesh-eating, girls kissing boys, girls kissing girls, graveyard hijinks, more orgasms and nerdy guys losing their virginity and wondering why vaginas are so ice cold.
What can I say?
The movie delivers and delivers BIG TIME!!!
As it's Father's Day weekend, teenage girls should especially give the gift their Daddies will enjoy the most. Take them to the movies. Take them to see All Cheerleaders Die. They'll thank you for it. Dad might even buy you a new car if you use the movie as a cautionary tale in your post-screening discussion.
All Cheerleaders Die opens theatrically June 13, 2014 via Video Services Corp. (VSC) at the Carlton Cinema in Toronto. Demand that your local cinema get it NOW!!!
Here is a lovely selection of VSC (Video Services Corp.) titles you can buy directly from the links below, and in so doing, contribute to the ongoing maintenance of The Film Corner: